Saturday, March 15, 2014
I was born and raised in a family with a lot of members. I never missed anyone (except my father, he left when i was 6 months old, and came back when i was 4). Somebody was always there with me. Either to help me, either not to feel alone, or afraid. 

That's how i was raised. Not to miss anyone. I was always with someone at home, always with someone outside, always with a lot of people, or i'd get back at home early. Even if this was for my own protection, it has damaged me, mentally. I'm more afraid now that i'm old enough to judge what's right or wrong. I'm more afraid to be out late at night, it seems wrong to me. It seems wrong to have fun, not to care about certain things, and i simply can't change that. Because it feels wrong. Because that's how they raised me. 

Sometimes, i feel like they want me to be afraid of the world around me. They want me to be precautious, not to be with a lot of people, because crowds are dangerous. Because you don't know all the people, what are they like, who are they. 

All these sorts of restrains.. I'm about to turn 18 in a couple of months, and i'm afraid of the world, i'm afraid to live. How the fuck is this possible? I'm not scared of dreaming, but of making those dreams come true.. Why? I'm still an innocent child, with a small heart, filled with fear, darkness and jealousy. Seeing all those people around me live their life, makes me jealous. Because i don't have that. And that chance will come late in my life. Maybe because of my fear, maybe because i won't have possibilities to live the way i want to. Or maybe, i won't ever get through the mental damage i have. But still. I have people who care about me, and will always be there for me. Is that supposed to comfort me?.. 'Cause it doesn't.

It feels away. The freedom i'm looking for. It feels far far away. Because my whole life i'll be dependent on something. Either my mother, either my husband, either my house, either a close friend. I won't be able to be alone. To stand on my feet, by myself. I know that.. Or maybe i just believe that. I just wish i was brought up different. I just wish someone will help me get through this. Help me find that freedom i'm looking for, so not to feel jealous anymore. But that jealousy i feel all those years, will never leave me. 'Cause i'll always remember what i didn't have, when everyone else had the world. I guess there wasn't enough for me, back then.. 

Who am i really? I mean, why should i deserve freedom? I've done mistakes that hurt people. But still. I'm an individual. I have the right to make mistakes. Mistakes that back then seemed right. Right to stand against restrains and laws, and rules. And i will never regret those mistakes. Because those were the times i actually felt i was alive. 

I know i don't live in a movie. That's why i see all those kids being out late, and i have to get home early. Because it's for my own "safety". I don't have the right to live, because i have to survive somehow. 'Cause i'm a girl, i'm young, i'm innocent. And everyone think i can't take care of myself. Maybe it's true. But i never had the chance to prove that wrong. I guess no one trusts me, or they do not think i'm ready yet to prove that.

The society we live in, has become so awful. You have to be illegal to like you, or to feel like you're "extreme". Because nowadays, being against the law, is revolution. And everyone expects that from you. But i can't join that revolution. Because i'll always be a dependent. Even if i'll be set free, i'll depend on my fear. That will be the reason i will be afraid to live the way i want to. I'm even afraid to cry, because for others it'll be wrong.. And always, others opinion will be first. Always..